Parents of teenagers in China

Parents of teenagers in China

In 2021 I was contacted by a parenting organization in Beijing to tell me that they had arranged for my book “Why won’t my teenager talk to me?” to be translated into Chinese.  I was delighted, and not a little surprised. They asked if I would like a copy, and before long this indeed arrived through the post.

Following this I then received an email asking if I would be willing to offer them some help with their parenting courses.  I had no idea that such a thing was happening in China, but since it is now possible to work with people in any part of the world without leaving one’s desk, I said yes.

There followed a fascinating period of work with parents of teenagers across China.  The enthusiasm for my input was striking, and of course very rewarding.  Here is an example of one parent’s comments to me:

“Thank you for your efforts all the time dear teacher.  In fact, when I study the course and read your book, I also heal myself.  I love my children very much, and I hope they can grow up happier and happier.  So, I am looking forward to seeing what I can do better with your help”.

How can I offer help to parents in such a different culture?   This is a question I have been asked numerous times by colleagues here in the UK.  The remarkable thing is that the majority of the concerns of parents are almost identical to those in Western countries.

“Dilly-dallying on homework”

“Do some people’s adolescent traits persist into adulthood?”

“I would like to ask how to cultivate children’s gratefulness?”

“There are lots of worries and anxious of negative peer influence”

“How to limit and monitor screen time?  It seems we compete with the screen to win our children back, but for lots of time, our teenagers choose screen more than us”

So where are the differences?   The most striking fact has to do with the pressure on young people from the education system.  Many questions focused on homework, and how parents can support their young people with the pressures they experience.  Typical questions ran like this:

“The school is very intensive.  The teacher put a lot of pressure on the students.  Often using physical punishment, scold students”

“It is difficult to change the environment of intense learning competition.  How can I help my child relieve stress, relax and face it?”

In subsequent discussions with the Chinese facilitators, they told me that academic performance is critical for future job prospects.  Unless students perform well at school, future opportunities are severely limited.  This leads to high levels of anxiety for both parents and young people.

This work has now concluded, although I remain in contact with colleagues in China.  As one put it: “I hope you will be able to use our examples in your next book!”   The most striking conclusion for me has to be the similarity of parental concerns about the teenage years. Whether you are a parent in London or Beijing, you still worry about the changes that take place as children move into the teenage years.

A second conclusion relates to the fact that there is so little support for this group of parents in Asia.  I was struck by the high level of need that was constantly expressed to me.   My book has become a best-seller – to my utter amazement.  That my knowledge about adolescence can be so useful in such a different culture is truly extraordinary.  In the webinars that I ran for parents, we were getting over 1,000 participants.  Remarkable.

All in all, it proved to be a fascinating and rewarding project.  It is clear that, no matter where you live, parents of teenagers struggle to make sense of this stage of life.  If anything can be done to help families across the globe, it is evident that more knowledge about adolescent development could  play a useful part.

27.06.23

 

 

Shortlisted for ‘Best Books for Educators Summer 2021’ awards.

Shortlisted for ‘Best Books for Educators Summer 2021’ awards.

The Teacher and the Teenage BrainWe’re delighted to announce that The Teacher and the Teenage Brain has made the shortlist of Learning Ladders’ ‘Best Books for Educators Summer 2021’ awards.

We were shortlisted alongside 40 other books from a longlist of over 100 entries for our dedication to enriching the lives of educators with our writing.

The awards panel featured teachers, school leaders, and EdTech entrepreneurs including Learning Ladders’ founder, Matt Koster-Marcon, who is also Chair of the EdTech Special Interest Group at BESA.

Educational books are a great CPD resource, providing inspiration, entertainment, and new ways of thinking about education.

We’re proud to be included in the list, and would also like to congratulate the other shortlisted books for their incredible work.

Visit the full list of recommended books, which cover topics such as wellbeing, educational leadership, and diversity and inclusion in schools.

The book, published by Routledge, is available to order here.

 

 

The Teacher and The Teenage Brain

The Teacher and The Teenage Brain

Publisher: Routledge
Publication Date: 27th May 2021

The Teacher and the Teenage BrainI wrote this book, “The teacher and the teenage brain”, for two reasons.  First, because I believe that knowledge about teenage brain development can make a profound difference to the way adults understand and relate to young people. Second, I wanted to describe my search for novel ways to disseminate information about the teenage brain to teachers, parents, and young people.

In recent years there has been an explosion of knowledge about the human brain.  A lot of this new knowledge concerns the teenage brain.  It is striking fact that until 20 years ago it was believed that the brain stopped developing at the end of childhood.  Now we know that the brain continues to change and develop through the teenage years and into the early twenties. This fact was simply not known to previous generations.

The most significant finding relates to the degree of change that occurs in the brain during the adolescent years.   This knowledge is of especial importance for any adult who lives or works with young people.  The brain undergoes more change and maturation during the teenage years than at any time in the life cycle apart from the first three years of life. This fact has profound implications for our understanding of teenage behaviour. Once we recognise the degree of change, then the behaviour of those in this age range becomes so much more explicable.

It is also important to note that, due to the change and reorganisation of the brain at this time, the teenage years are a critical period, a time with great potential for change.  After attending one of the courses on the teen brain a teacher said to me:

One thing I found particularly powerful – knowing that it is the years of puberty and afterwards that are so significant.  For the teens who have had a disadvantaged start, they feel that they are behind and never going to catch up.  So, ideas about the changing brain can be very empowering. It is important to bring it out, that things are changing, it is not all set.    

This book has the word teacher in the title, since one obvious location for the introduction of this new knowledge is the school.   The topics covered in the book include risk and reward, the social brain, memory and learning, the management of stress and anxiety, sleep, and topics to do with mental health.    The book also contains details of the workshops and lesson plans developed in order to make knowledge about the teenage brain more widely available.

Both teachers and students will benefit hugely from this knowledge.  As one teacher put it:

“Anything that improves understanding of the young people we are working with must be a gain.  I believe this is a huge step forward.  Before I did the course (The teen brain course) I didn’t really understand how students are changing.  Ideas about the changing brain can be very empowering.”

The work described in this book is also essential reading for professionals in health and social care.  I have already mentioned issues to do with mental health and emotional well-being.

As one well-being co-ordinator in a secondary school put it to me:

“A lot of our parents and students are self-diagnosing themselves with mental health problems.    As soon as a child is moody, frustrated, angry, fed up with the world, parents automatically look it up on line and they go:  ‘Oh! My child has got a personality disorder’, or something like that. They haven’t been to a GP or anything.   It is very difficult to persuade a parent that this is normal.  If we could do some sort of session on the teen brain for parents so that they could understand what is normal and what is not that would be brilliant”.

This is a particularly important time for health education.  With the introduction of a new curriculum in RSE, a new focus on health and well-being in schools, as well as the long-term impact of the pandemic, a greater understanding of brain development in adolescence could not be more timely.   As far as parents are concerned, the book shows how awareness of the changes in the brain can lead to a more sympathetic approach, and hopefully to a reduction in levels of conflict between the generations.  This book will help to unravel the secrets of the teenage brain.  I will leave the last word to this teacher:

“The impact on students?   I think they get short-changed, I really do.   I think teenagers get a bit of a raw deal, they are really misunderstood.  The feel that.  They actually know that.  Understanding of the teen brain helps you to show more empathy to young people.  If we as adults show them more empathy you get that back in return.  I do honestly feel that it would help them feel a bit better understood, perhaps respected a bit more.”

 

 

A workshop for Parents

A workshop for Parents

Early-Help-Logo

“The teen brain – a workshop for parents”

A 40-slide powerpoint presentation:

These slides are designed for a 2 hour session. The workshop is designed for parents or carers of teenagers.  It would be appropriate for parents or carers of any age teenager during the secondary school period.

The slides provide the basis for a workshop consisting of basic information about the teenage brain and about the changes that occur during these years.

 

 

 

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Conversation, not confrontation: how can parents and teenagers learn to talk to each other?

Conversation, not confrontation: how can parents and teenagers learn to talk to each other?

Parents and teenagers need to be able to talk together.  Yet in so many families this turns out to be a major problem.    Parents feel the teenager won’t listen, and teenagers feel exactly the same: that their parents aren’t listening. One 14 year-old girl put it like this: “My parents expect me to tell them everything, but how can I when all they do is nag?  Why haven’t you done this? Why haven’t you done that?  That’s all they say.” Why does this breakdown in communication occur? Parents have the sense that the young person really prefers to talk to their friends.  They feel that they, the parents, do not matter anymore.  They feel rejected and pushed aside.  They feel that the young person no longer has any respect for their opinions, and this is hard to take. On the other hand the teenager feels that he or she is still being treated as a child.  The parent does not want a conversation, but only wants to dig for information or tell the young person what to do. It is not surprising that these misunderstandings lead to a situation where both sides feel irritated and frustrated with each other. What can we do about this? I have recently written a book entitled: “Why won’t my teenager talk to me?”   When I mentioned the title to a group of parents, one of them asked:  “Well, what’s the answer then?” Of course there are many different answers, but here are some thoughts.
  • Timing is critical. Your teenager won’t always talk at the time that is best for you;
  • Your teenager won’t talk about the things he or she considers to be private;
  • Interrogation doesn’t work. Your teenager won’t talk if he or she thinks conversation is going to turn into interrogation;
  • Your teenager won’t talk if he or she feels you are busy, distracted or likely to be interrupted.
All these are reasons why a young person might not talk, yet teenagers do want to talk to their parents.   How can parents and teenagers learn to talk to each other?   Here are some top tips for parents. First, parents of teenagers do matter.  You matter hugely, it is just that you have a different role from the one you had during the early years.  Parents matter because they provide the endorsement, the love and the structure that makes a young person feel safe and secure.   Without this the teenager will be lost. Secondly, teenagers do want to talk to their parents.   They want to talk, and they will talk, but in a way that feels safe to them.  This means the adult talking in a manner that makes the young person feel their views are respected.   Good communication has to be a two-way street.  Talking and listening go hand in hand. Thirdly teenagers do need some privacy.   They need space and time to sort things out in their own minds.  This means they will talk to their parents, but not necessarily at the precise time that suits the adult. In conclusion if you, as a parent, can step back and think about the needs of the teenager, communication will improve.  You have a key role to play.  If you can listen, your teenager will talk.  
Social media and teenagers, a practical approach

Social media and teenagers, a practical approach

Is social media damaging the mental health of young people? It’s important to look behind the headlines.

There is no doubt that today social media is seen by adults as representing a major threat to young people. There is much debate in the press and in public about the so-called “evils” of the digital world, and the Government has tasked medical experts with drawing up advice on the maximum amount of time young people should spend on social media. Parents and professionals worry about the time spent online, about the content that is seen by teenagers, and about the possible temptations that abound in the online world. Newspaper headlines such as ‘Social media fuels rise in self-harm’ (Evening Standard), and ‘Girls unhappy, stressed and addicted to web’ (The Times) are commonplace.

The striking thing is that this anxiety is not experienced in the same way by young people themselves. By and large they are aware of the risks in the online world, and believe that they are able to manage them. In my work with young people I ask them whether they see themselves as experiencing stress. They agree that the teenage years are a time of high stress, but not because of social media. The things they identify as stressful are tests, exams and pressure from school. They also talk about parental expectations, and sometimes pressure from friends. The digital world comes low down in their list of things that create stress and anxiety.

 

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